So Done...

I am really done being pregnant. I hurt...everywhere. How is it possible to forget how uncomfortable being pregnant is? It's not like I'm getting into something I know nothing about...I've already done this to myself FIVE times, why exactly have I done it again? I have come to the realization that I simply CAN NOT do this again. This little girl must be the end...the last...the grand finale. Anyhow, it is to that end I am writing this post.

Self, you hate being pregnant. After the initial shock, joy and happiness you experience when you discover you are pregnant, you are overcome with the looming doom of what the following 9 months have in store for you. You are sick and can't eat for three months. The smell of food makes you want to vomit...and you do, frequently. Your once clean house, beautiful children and loving husband are neglected because you feel no desire to leave your bed or get off the couch. Cooking and cleaning are no longer important and you just feel gross. Once the nausea has abated, and you once again notice the needs of your home and family, you get so big your clothes no longer fit. People, very politely, call you fat. You look very similar to a potato on toothpicks. This upsets you only because you know that every pound you gain you will have to lose again once the baby comes. No one can do that for you, you will have to get up early, hit the pavement and do lots of situps (or attempt to do them because, lets face it, you have no stomach muscles left - they have been sacrificed for the opportunity to bring children in to this world...they will probably never come back) in a vain attempt to regain what you had, even though you know you will never quite look, or feel the same again. By seven months you are done being pregnant. This is rather unfortunate because you still have the two longest months ahead of you. You don't sleep because your back hurts and when you move your legs it feels like someone beat you with a bat. You can no longer touch your toes and when you attempt to shave your legs you miss large sections because you can't see over your stomach. Your youngest child still insists that you carry him around, even though his gurth rivals your own. Babies in utero do not appreciate having older, and much bigger, siblings jump on them. Your internal organs do not appreciate this either. Your bladder has now been squished so small you are required to visit the restroom every hour, even if you are not home and are required to use the most nasty public toilets - it will not wait. Your stomach has become someone's personal jungle gym and the constant poking and kicking, although reassuring, feels like someone stuck a popcorn popper in your stomach and turned it on 'high'. Walking up stairs makes you breathless and starts contractions (not the good ones, the ones that hurt but don't seem to do anything else), which you may want to keep in mind because you climb the stairs no less than 50 times a day. Your feet hurt really bad when you have to stand for more than five minutes, which is any time you cook a meal or clean or fold laundry, this causes the pain in your back to flare, just an FYI. Oh, and you may want to take a look at those super sexy stretch marks, those are all pregnancy related. After all of this, you still have the delivery to look forward to, which I may remind you is going to really hurt. Your kids have very large heads. You know what that means. Oh, and forget about getting the epidural, you know you don't HAVE to have it and it costs extra. Your deductible for the last kid was $7,500...just think of what it might have gone up to now. All of this is what you get if everything goes RIGHT and there is always a chance things won't go this well...

So, self, if you are even considering the prospect of procreating again, you may want to take this under advisement. You have been blessed with five beautiful children, and in a few short weeks you will have a sixth. That's more than the lion's share. Be grateful for each one of those blessings, and be even more grateful that you don't have to endure another pregnancy. You're done!