And then there were six....

I'm pretty sure that most of the world is already aware, but for those few who are not, we are expecting child number FOUR! How crazy is that? The WX Ence Family will be a family of six the end of March 2007.
I don't normaly vent my personal feelings to complete strangers, but I'm feeling a need to release some pent up anxiety and frustration. Here goes nothing...
I am a twenty five year old mother of three with number four due to arrive in just six short months. I have been happily married for seven years, this November, and I am way over my head in church, community, and other projects. I had seriously contemplated going back to school and finishing up my Bachelor's Degree. I even went so far as to register for classes. Then it hit me, WHY AM PUSHING SO HARD?!?!?
I had a break down last week and offically withdrew from classes. I cried on the phone to my husband, who works out of town-ALOT-for over an hour (poor man). It had been a really hard week and nothing seemed to be going right. I was SOOOO frustrated. All I want is to enjoy my children, my husband, and my life for a while---is that so much to ask?
I couldn't ask for a better husband because he whole heartedly agreed. He supported my decision to postpone my education and he is standing beside me through the next six months as my body, once again, becomes a big baby house.
Four kids seems like a lot and I wish I could honestly say that this will be the last, but I just don't feel ready to finalize anything. I hate getting big. I hate not fitting into my clothes. I hate spending months, and months, trying to loose the weight after the baby is here. I have been vomiting for the last eleven weeks. I want to stay in bed all day. I hate to eat, nothing ever sounds appealing, but if I don't, I vomit more. So why, you ask, don't I just say, "Enough is enough already!"
The answer is, "I just can't." It is as simple or as complicated as that. I love being a mom. I love my children. I spend all my time with them. I don't work outside the home and I don't work from my home. My only real job is being a mother and a wife. It is most definitely the most difficult job I have ever had, but it is also by far the most rewarding.
I think it boils down to the fact that I am not ready to say I don't want to hold a new baby in my arms. I enjoy the way a new baby smells. I love watching them learn who you are and who they are. I love connecting with them, I enjoy nursing. I love seeing every first smile, the first time they hold their own head up or the first time they crawl and walk. This is a small part of what I love about being a mom.
Maybe after this baby comes I will be at peace with my family, but I am not there yet. There could be more. Time will tell. There will always be people who look at me and think to themselves that I must be crazy to have so many kids, but I'm ok with that. I don't want to make my decision based on what someone else thinks. I want to be at peace with my decision. That is what is important.
I have found peace in my decision not to go back to school, not now anyhow. I will go back when my kids are older and when my husband can be at home more to pick up my slack. I will go back when I am ready and when my family is ready. For now, I am going to enjoy my children and embrace my changing body and prepare for another big change-FOUR KIDS! How do you manage four kids at the grocery store? See, I still have so much to learn about just being a mom. It's too bad they don't have a school for that!