Is it possible to miss what you've never had?

Peace. Tranquility. A languid existence. I miss them, and yet I'm not sure I've ever really had them. How is that possible? Perhaps a lack of adequate rest has addled my brain. Perhaps I have always been addled and the culmination of too much stress and too little sleep has awoken me to fuller awareness of my frenzied existence. Most likely this is all a load of rubbish and I am just extremely sleep deprived, ornery, anxious and depleted.

I am so tired....

A few weeks ago I decided it was time to finish painting the house. The remodeling we started on the basement is finally finished. We had new windows installed three weeks ago now. They're great. I just needed to finish the upstairs - two bedrooms, a bathroom, the front door, some closet doors and some molding. At which point, the entire house will have been refurbished since we bought it six years ago. Everything we could do to improve the home, within reason, will have been done.

Recap of the past two weeks:

Wednesday I woke up early and spent all day painting and cleaning up Ali and Jacks room. It is a really nice shade of pink, not bright pink - more muted. I had to paint the closet doors white (because they were nasty poop brown) and paint all of the trim as well. Ben helped me and we finished by bed time and then I cleaned up and put the room back together and started cleaning my bedroom out. I went to bed after 1am.

Thursday I started early on my bedroom. I picked out two shades of light brown...very nice neutral colors. Ben and I painted all day and weren't able to finish because we had to patch some holes and they needed time to dry. I bought two new bed frames, for our bed and Ben's bed, and we were able to get those set up. I wasn't in bed until almost 2am.

Friday we were able to get the bedroom finished and the upstairs bathroom. We took out the old nasty mirror and got a new one, which looks really good. We used the same colors as our bedroom, which is connected to the bath.

My sister and her family came to town Friday afternoon and stayed the weekend. We drove first thing in the morning Saturday to Logan because my Great Uncle passed away and his funeral was at noon. We didn't get back until late and didn't get to bed until later and subsequently didn't wake up in time for church the next morning....

Joe left for Vegas Sunday evening and was suppose to be there all week. I spent most of Monday cleaning because my in-laws flew in Tuesday evening. Joe decided to drive back Tuesday night so he could see his parents. They stayed with us until Thursday evening and then left to Joe's brothers and Joe and Ben left to go back to Vegas.

The weekend was a bit hectic because we had a snowmobiling party in Fairview on Saturday, which Ben and Joe flew back for late Friday night, and I stayed up late making cookies for Sunday. Sunday was a baby blessing, stake conference and Grandma Langston's 90th birthday Party. I woke up at 6am to make salad for the party, clean the house, and get the kids ready. It was a lot of fun. I haven't seen some of the family in four years or more....too long.

Monday, at 4:30am, we dropped Maggi and Phil off at the airport. They will work in Alabama all summer. No more free babysitting. I did more cleaning and, tragically, the day ended badly because I found out Ben was leaving for Idaho (for two weeks) in the morning and Joe wouldn't be back in town until Friday, late...

So, yesterday Ben dropped Joe off at the airport, finished the molding around my front door and then left for Idaho. I had Maggi's brother-in-law here, who I dropped off at the airport this morning at 5:30am, and he helped me finish painting the front door, the crown molding, all the door molding upstairs and then I spent two hours weeding the front flower beds. He watched the kids for an hour while I went to enrichment, and honestly, I wanted to stay awhile longer....so sad...

I brought my in-laws to the airport at 11pm and said goodbye. I was sad to see them go. It was really nice having them here. I really like them, love them, respect and appreciate them. They are wonderful people and they make me happy.

I stayed up until 12:30am shampooing the living room carpet, moping the kitchen, cleaning off the top of the refrigerator, cleaning the downstairs family room and doing laundry. All I could do, I did. All of the refurbishments are officially complete, and yet a good nights sleep once again eluded me.

I am frustrated because we were suppose to have pictures taken of the house today. They aren't coming today. Tentatively scheduled for tomorrow. I will stay up late tonight getting the house cleaned and ready again. Tomorrow I will stay up late to pick up my neighbors from the airport and Friday I will stay up late waiting for Joe...sleep is not in my forecast.

Sprinkle in a few random Dr. appointments, trips to the grocery store, as well as a litany of other miscellaneous activities, and that about sums up the past two weeks. I am beat. I am physically and emotionally spent. I am alone....with four children.

My house is looking really good, but I would be a fool to believe it will last long. In a few days the weeds will be back in my flower beds, there will be crayon and dirt on the newly painted doors and walls, there will be sand and jam on the once clean floors and the empty laundry room will be piled high with unwashed clothing while the empty sink is filled with unwashed dishes.

So, I ask myself, "WHY AM I DOING THIS?????"

Honestly, I don't know. Is it worth it? Maybe. Am I happy with it? Yes and no.

I love my beautiful little house. It is cozy and comfortable. I love my children. They are good, usually, and mine, always. I love my husband. He is a hard worker, a dedicated father and a loving partner. I am very blessed. I hate feeling ungrateful. I hate getting impatient with my children and my husband. I suppose it is good to have these experiences to remind me why I am working so hard to make my house a home....a place where my family can feel loved. I want to be a good wife and a good mother. Actually I want to be the best wife and the best mother...not in this lifetime, but it's a worthy goal, right?

So, even though my husband probably thinks I've lost my mind, I am mostly just tired and over worked. Through the course of this little post I've decided to forget about all the sacrifices I may, or may not, have made the last couple of weeks. Tomorrow will come and tomorrow will go and I will still have four obnoxiously delightful children and one obstinately wonderful husband. I will still have my cozy little house and even if they aren't as perfect tomorrow as they are today, they will still be mine. For that I am grateful. I can only hope I will be kind and loving and more deserving of these many blessings.....and that the photographers come tomorrow morning, or I may have many rather choice words to impart, to the photographers, not the children or husband....